Untangling The Fourth Strand: An Ex-Pastor’s Wife’s Perspective
To clarify. I am not an ex-wife. My husband and I are still married. It’s just church ministry, which is no longer part of our marriage.
A strange thing happens in marriage and in ministry. You’ve heard “a cord of three strands is not easily broken?” This verse is often quoted at weddings. We use it as a symbol of the connectedness and strength that comes from the union of God and a man and a woman.
Well, if your spouse is “in ministry,” chances are there is also a fourth strand in your marriage. It’s the ministry strand.
It should be clearly defined as its own, separate strand, but instead, what happens is it intermingles with other strands, and soon it’s a little difficult to distinguish it as its own separate thing. It sort of weaves its way into all areas of life.
Home life.
Family time.
Parenting.
Date nights.
Identity.
Self-worth.
Before you know it, it’s everywhere.
Some people may be aware that this ministry strand exists. But others don’t realize it’s there - and don’t realize how it connects and holds other parts of life together (or strangles them out) until it is removed.
The strand itself is not a bad thing. But what we noticed in our own experience and in walking with other families coming out of ministry is that most pastors/families struggle to keep that thread distinct from others in a healthy way.
Whether a pastor is coming out of ministry because he/she is retiring, a mistake was made, or the position is not a good fit for him/her as an individual - it’s gonna tug on that thread. And it’s probably going to be painful.
For the pastor, having that thread severed may reveal that it is directly connected to his feelings about himself as a man.
His identity.
His worth.
His value.
His purpose.
Even his standing as a child of God.
It has the potential to knock him off his feet entirely, and when this happens, the entire family is affected.
In our case, my husband’s exit from the church changed everything.
Our social circle.
Our church community.
Our support system.
Our kid’s schooling.
Our finances.
This was on top of a major marital wound.
We were unraveling.
So we went into triage mode. We sought out the therapy we needed. We figured out who could walk with us through this, and who couldn’t - or just wouldn’t.
My husband sought professional career counseling. He had never had a job outside of ministry! What was he going to do now?! He learned how to put a resume together and got on LinkedIn for the first time.
We were figuring all this out in the middle of trying to deal with major trauma.
It was awful. I do not wish it on anyone.
What Pastoral Transitions offers to outgoing pastors (whatever the reason) is guidance and support. What a tremendous amount of stress would have been lifted off our family’s shoulders if someone had been right there to guide our next steps.
What Pastoral Transitions offers the Church and elders is wisdom, third party perspective, and communication strategy to help the transition for both the church and outgoing pastor.
I wonder if the collateral damage would have been less, if we had someone who was there to help both parties part well, or at least with greater integrity, wisdom, and peace.
I realize that not all pastors leaving a church are leaving under the same circumstances as we did, but no matter what the reason - leaving ministry has challenges.
That fourth strand can feel like a ripcord when it is loosed, and it’s not only the pastor plummeting towards the ground, he’s also got his family with him.
Are you in ministry and feeling the tug of that fourth strand? Are you a couple in ministry who connects with every part of this blog post and need a good next step? Pastoral Transitions help leadership teams navigate ministry transitions with grace. We have a heart for the church, and a heart for families transitioning out of ministry. Let’s talk!
Marilee Davis is the wife of Matt Davis, a pastor for over 20 years. Through her experience of living in the fishbowl of the church, Marilee has come to understand the unique pressures, trials and challenges that come with being a pastor's wife. She has a heart for those transitioning out of ministry; for pastors, their spouses, and their children – which is why she cares deeply about Pastoral Transitions – the organization started by her husband that provides resources, encouragement and support to those making such transitions.
When not busy being mom to their three teenagers, Marilee loves spending time at her barn in Lexington, Kentucky caring for and riding horses on beautiful trails. As someone who understands transitional life phases firsthand, Marilee is passionate about helping others through these difficult times and believes everyone should have support as they take steps towards whatever is their next season.
